Pro-sex. Pro-porn. Pro-knowing the difference.

Making #realworldsex safe

At MakeLoveNotPorn, our mission is to make it safe, socially acceptable and empowering for anyone – especially women – to talk about and share their #realworldsex.

So when, six months ago in August of last year, reporter Rebecca Hiscott who had asked to write a story about us and was interviewing some of our MakeLoveNotPornstars, informed us of the situation outlined in her just-published Mashable piece, we acted immediately.

This is precisely the scenario we have worked very hard to prevent happening.

It took years to concept MakeLoveNotPorn.tv because we considered every possible implication of what we planned for our members and our MakeLoveNotPornstars, and executed accordingly.

The couple Rebecca cites submitted their videos via our rigorous video submissions process that ensures every participant in every video on our site is of legal age and has given full consent. MadamCurator Sarah Beall engaged with them personally throughout their relationship with us – we make sure we talk to both halves of a couple.  Our curation is human: we watched every single video they submitted to make sure it was publishable based on our criteria of fully consensual, celebratory #realworldsex. We ask our MakeLoveNotPornstars to contextualize their #realworldsex by providing ‘sneak peek’ intros for each video published; in this case the two of them reminisced together about each #realworldsex occasion as joint voiceovers on all of their intro videos.

We value our MakeLoveNotPornstars enormously, and so we set out to build personal relationships with each half of the couple, as we do from the moment anyone first approaches us about contributing or submits their first video. We focused on building a sense of community for them, and invited them to meet with us in person at one of the regular IRL gatherings we hold for our MakeLoveNotPornstars so that we can all get to know each other.

And so it came as a horrible surprise to us that things were not as whole-hearted and as fully consensual as they had appeared.

As Rebecca says, we acted immediately.


Our site is members-only, and we deliberately stream rental videos instead of offering downloads. #realworldsex = #realworldrelationships = #realworldshithappens, and our commitment to you is that the minute your relationship/mind/life/circumstances changes, we take your videos down immediately.

We take domestic abuse extremely seriously; a number of us have known people in these sorts of relationships, and we know how insidious abuse can be and how hard it can be to get out of. Sarah immediately spoke at length with the woman in this couple, and we discussed as a team how to remove the videos in a way that would not cause any additional difficulty for her; we agreed our approach with her, and moved swiftly.

Our entire mission with MakeLoveNotPorn boils down to one thing: talk about it.

Talk about sex in the real world openly, honestly and truthfully, whether it be in the public domain or in private with your intimate partners.

The appalling situation Rebecca outlines is something we all need to talk more about. We welcome this dialogue. We ask our community to discuss and share their views and feedback, as we do here regarding the difference between porn and #realworldsex, and so we also welcome any additional ideas anyone may have on how we can supplement our already rigorous, hi-touch, human curation and MakeLoveNotPornstar relationship-building process.


Law professor Mary Ann Franks is quoted in the Mashable article saying, “The problem is that a good thing can’t exist for more than two seconds before someone comes along and makes it a horrible thing.”

We’re not going to let that happen.


Rebecca writes, “Creating a sex-sharing site without the exploitation and abusive language of mainstream pornography is noble, and much needed, but perhaps it simply isn’t possible.”

One of the many social agendas we have for MakeLoveNotPorn is tackling the ‘abusive language of mainstream pornography’, which is why we are deliberately creating a new vocabulary for #realworldsex.

And we are determined to prove it is possible to ‘create a sex-sharing site without exploitation.’ We welcome your help, ideas and input alongside our own for achieving what we hope you agree is a difficult but very necessary goal.

2 Responses to “Making #realworldsex safe”

  1. SHIRLEY MAYA TAN

    I could not agree with Mary Ann Franks more! I can just imagine how you feel, Cindy. Living in Malaysia is no different than what this article has just expounded. There are many advancements and innovation to be had. Unfortunately, some people are not ready for it. Some may be ill-prepared or simply not equipped to handle them. There have been cases whereby something has been discontinued or retracted or demolished because of a few “less informed” individuals (for the lack of a better word). Personally, it drives me up the wall. The simple truth is – there is so such thing as perfection in anything we create, because it is handled, operated and experienced by humans. And humans worldwide are infamous for their imperfections. It is not a bad thing or a good things. Rather, it is a constant work-in-progress. And we should always look towards progress, and act in the interest of real progress.
    In the case of Theresa (not her real name, I know) and MLNP – it was really her inability to get help, to summon courage and do the right thing. She, could have, at any point in time contacted MLNP and discussed with MLNP if she wanted to. And I am confident that you, Cindy, would have found the best way to help her at the same time, protect her. You are not known as the Michael Bay of Business for nothing. You blow shit up, especially abusive shit. But Ms. Theresa did not act for herself in all that time, until now – and that is to be interviewed.
    I fully sympathize with Theresa, I seriously do. I have worked with battered and abused women to know something about their pain. However, I will always remember the words of a counsellor at one abusive center I worked with – “If he hits you once, it’s his fault. If he hits you again, it is yours. Because you should not have allowed it, and stay a victim.”
    So, we have to make that distinction clear – it was not MLNP which exploits, but Theresa’s partner.
    That said, there is no doubt room for improvement in every single thing we create, and innovate. MLNP notwithstanding. However, it does not discredit and disqualify what MLNP is doing. Rather, trying to do, if the world would let them.
    So, the vigoruos screening and interviews have to be more vigorous. They may need to be more stringent on getting both parties of the said couple to sign on the dotted line. The couple may need to go on a “probation”, and be “reviewed” from time to time to make sure that all is still consensual.
    Or, MLNP may find a way to educate what real world sex is all about without showcasing the “explicit” videos. Make it more mainstream like HBO or Showtime – interview the couple, let them tell their story, screen only images/visuals that are approved by both, and these images/visuals are not as explicit. Could very well be PG-13 – then the younger audience can actually learn about real world sex as well.
    For couples and individuals who have graduated to a stable track record with MLNP, then a different set of rules may apply. Along with more “explicit” videos.
    I am certain you and your brilliant team will find better ways than what I have shared above. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep blowing shit up.
    All the very best of luck 🙂

    Reply
  2. Heather

    ” I will always remember the words of a counsellor at one abusive center I worked with – “If he hits you once, it’s his fault. If he hits you again, it is yours. Because you should not have allowed it, and stay a victim.”

    As a new member to this site I came across this entry and found this comment appalling and dismissive of the manipulation and abusive women in domestic violence relationship experience. It’s not as easy as allowing yourself to be abused.

    While I understand this may not be the view of the site the fact that this comment has been left and not replied to by staff of Make Love Not Porn leaves me feeling concered about the entire under pinnings of this site.

    The responsibility of domestic violence (like rape) ALWAYS sits squarely on the shoulders of the abuser.

    Reply

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