When I was a young teenager I remember hearing some male adults talk about what their parents used to tell them would happen if they masturbated. I thought it was ridiculous that anyone could believe that hair was capable of sprouting from a person’s palm. Besides, I was raised being taught that hairy palms were the least of your fucking worries.
You see, masturbation was the result of impure thoughts and impure thoughts would lead a person to not only stroke their wiener but most certainly cause oneself to start fornicating and possibly lust after animals. Sometimes I’d get a mental image in my head of what a person might look like walking around with too many of these “impure thoughts” all happening at once – like – a man trying to run around a 400 meter track with his pants around his ankles and humping the air at the same time.
If you haven’t guessed yet – I was raised in a religious, conservative Christian home. If what I’ve written wasn’t bad enough I’ve saved the best for last. That guy I had pictured running around the track – well – not only does he look like an idiot – but he was also on a one-way trip to Hell. Apparently, god is love… um… well, unless you are a participant in the “Humpathalon.”
If I could identify one feeling hidden below the religious teachings spoon fed to me as I was growing up the most obvious one was fear. Fear is a great motivator and a favorite among those who fancy controlling others.
Fear is the Holy Grail to those who devise methods and tactics meant to bend the will of the subjugated and they love weaving their web of sophistry in hopes of ensnaring as many as possible.
When I hit puberty and saw the boobs of my grade 7 teacher hanging from her chest and felt a sensation between my legs that made it difficult to stand up and go to the bathroom – well – nothing kills a boner faster than the fear of being BBQ’d in Hell. As I got older I decided to study all the stuff I had been taught from the time I came out of my mother’s womb. Studying for myself led me down a road of deprogramming and eventually I was able to abandon religion altogether and remove the barrier of fear which had clouded my life for so long.
I’ll be honest – MLNP.tv is really about one thing for me. It goes right back to that time when I was young boy looking at my teacher’s boobs scared to death that I was headed for the dinner date with the Devil who would dine on my cock first before he threw me into his fireplace. The difference is, with MLNP.tv, I experience the therapeutic value that comes from facing all of those old thoughts by symbolically standing up and pulling my pants down and sticking both of my middle fingers in the air (technically, that would be three) and screaming “Fuck Off.”
It’s quite liberating turning terror into passion and removing fear by embracing love. I think you catch a glimpse of what I’m describing when you watch our videos. For me, they are quantifiable proof that I’ve escaped the programming propagated by the religious machine.
Growing up in southern California during the ‘60’s gave me early insight on what rebelling looks like. I went on my first peace march at age two – hoisted high on my dad’s shoulders floating above the chant, “’1,2,3,4 – we don’t want your fucking war!” See – my parents – two very cute and passionate insurgents – met, had me and then demonstrated what it looks like to reject family tradition. Simply put – I was a product of some serious dysfunction from the get-go.
They raised me as free as they possibly could – giving me choices – or so they thought. The truth is – the influence (shaming) of extended family raged a tiny war around us to the point we’d live our west coast secular lifestyle in secret until family reunions where I’d watch my parents pretend we were “walkin’ the straight and narrow.” It was weird seeing my parents pretend to be people they were not and it taught me how to lie about how I was to the point I forgot altogether. As a consequence – I wrecked myself early on to the point I thought I needed church to straighten me out and it worked for a while until I began asking too many questions. Fortunately, that led me right out of the church and into a new life of discovering reality outside the cult I had grown way too accustomed to.
Because of my “12 yrs a religious zealout” trip- I needed to unwind, unlearn and deprogram. Method of choice was to do all that which I felt was “wrong” or “sinful” or “unrighteous” until I saw for myself that the world did not implode and I did not melt along with it. I had to see that I had value as a human being even though I had discarded someone else’s religious paradigm.
To say it was hell would be an understatement. Anytime a person lives with the highs of doing “good” (reward=heaven) in tandem with the fear of fucking up on a permanent basis (punishment=hell) – it can only lead to a very dark and lonely place.
As far as how that all affected my understanding of things on sexual level – once I was married, it wasn’t really on my radar since I was obsessed with a laundry list of other “do’s and don’ts” involving how to eat, dress and worship.
It was in the quiet moments lying in bed though where I’d contemplate on things I had done before I was married that tortured me. The more I reflected, the more I felt guilt and shame. I may have been a Christian doing all the “right things” outwardly but what I really felt like was a dirty whore whose secrets would find her out.
After leaving religion – my mind was free to realize that all the things I had done in my youth weren’t charges against me. They began to reveal their perspective and I was finally able to stop beating myself up. There was no divine deity waiting to fry me for having sex before marriage. There was no celestial courtroom deciding my fate. I was finally in control of my life and it felt incredible.
From that first TED talk by Cindy to this blog post I’ve been impressed with the MLNP.tv community for several reasons that range from pure enjoyment to feeling pretty charged at the idea of becoming completely vulnerable. That alone is freaking powerful! Seeing other couples and individuals share their most intimate moments on screen, in a blog post or interview is a constant reminder of what makes this community so refreshing: Zero judgment!
But probably the way MLNP.tv has been most helpful and even surprising is how it’s emboldened Brad and I to share even more of ourselves with each other which we thought we’d already achieved – lol. We began to share even more of what we wanted, needed and fantasized about so ya – that was a huge release for both of us. So much in fact we made a couple of videos to prove it!
Can’t get any better than that.
Read more posts from our MLNPstars here.