by Jean of MLNPstars AllenandtheJean
At the age of 6, I was sent home from school with a teacher’s note to my mother, for touching myself “down there” while in the school bathroom. I wasn’t masturbating at that time, me and the other girls were just laughing and joking around about noises our body parts made. I had picked the wrong body part to play with right then, and someone tattled. I was innocent, completely unaware of the implications of my actions. I was in for a rude awakening.
After, getting a stern lecture from both my teacher and my mother, I was in tears and terrified of touching myself ever again.
I was raised in a very strict religious family environment. Masturbation wasn’t only frowned on, it was forbidden. If you were caught, you were shamed. I avoided the topic as much as possible, and did not want anyone to think that I had even attempted to do such a thing.
I was an avid reader, and as most adolescents were, I was very curious about sex and love and where babies came from. I started reading romance novels. I didn’t read the PG rated ones, oh no, I wanted to read the hot and heavy ones. I liked those which had cover art showing a “Fabio-look-a-like” sweeping a damsel-with-large-heaving-bosoms into his arms. Of course I knew men didn’t always look like that, but those books were usually the naughty ones. I learned who the authors were, so when I went to the library, I would check out the books which had no cover illustrations, so I could hide them from my parents. They were pleased I was reading at all, and had no idea what sort of smutty education I was gleaning. Whenever I would read a sex scene in my novels, I would get a little excited. The more excited I became, the more I desired some sort of release.
But how could I do this without touching myself and getting into trouble? I learned to cross my legs, and do some muscle movements, like kegel exercises,. This would satisfy me to some extent, but it was not the same as having a full orgasm.
In later life, I would learn there were so many better ways to do this, but for now, this method worked for me. It was rather discreet and easy to disguise, should anyone stumble upon me in the act. My parents were none-the-wiser, and I didn’t get into any trouble. After all, I wasn’t touching myself, like boys do. But I was not having any actual orgasms via this method. It was no more satisfying than having a good long stretch.
During this time in my life, I would sneak over to a friend’s house and watch movies that my parents would not approve of. These were movies with love scenes, sex, and fantasies. These were not porn, but definitely movies made for a more mature audience. I would replay the love scenes over and over in my mind, remembering the details just like the books.
Eventually, in my later teenage years, I started having sex. Sex was so much better for me, than going solo. Although, I would sometimes get jealous of my boyfriend’s ability to jerk off. Why was it so much easier for boys to just jerk off whenever they wanted to? They seemed to get off just as nicely as they did when they had sex. I felt my method wasn’t as fantastic as having an orgasm during sex. What was I doing wrong?
Later, a boyfriend encouraged me to masturbate in front of him. I was too shy. I had been shamed so fully beforehand, that my embarrassment ran deep. I used to say “I can’t masturbate, it’s not really my thing, so let’s just have sex. I like that better anyway.”
One boyfriend’s mother had bought me a vibrator. It was my first one ever and I had no idea how to use it. It wasn’t like it came with instructions or anything. Are you supposed to just stick it inside and let it vibrate? Or pretend it’s a man and thrust away? What’s the deal? Also, there was no education about lubrication, which may have made the whole experience much more satisfying. I kept the vibrator, but never really used it. It stayed locked away in a closet most of the time.
Fast forward to Allen. We have fantastic sex (as you know), but Allen can only go so many times in a day, and I am a very sexual woman. I wanted more and more. I thought that I ought to learn to go solo, so Allen could have a break?
He gave me a few books on the topic, as I loved to read. This helped but I was shy about reading them and would sneak just a few pages before bedtime. We also watched a few videos he found online, so I could see how another woman might touch herself.
Allen was patient with me and helped to show me how to touch myself, in the same ways I enjoyed him touching me. It was a slow but steady education on how to masturbate. I didn’t know what I’d like so the experimentation began. I watched how Allen touched me, and how my body responded.
Then I would practice these things on my own. Allen would encourage me to touch myself during our lovemaking. In fact, it would make him groan in pleasure to see me touching myself during sex and gradually it became a positive, and wonderful thing. I WANTED to touch myself down there, and see what could happen. It wasn’t wrong to do this, it was OKAY! We tried different toys and vibrators together and determined which lube worked the best. I am still shy about touching myself when anybody else was watching, even Allen, but I am
growing more confident as time moves on. I still say I like the real thing best, but in lieu of that, I now know how to take care of myself, and I am not ashamed of it.
So, I’m proud to say, I have worked my way up to doing a solo video for MLNP.tv. I suppose you could call it a step in the right direction, perhaps even part of my masturbation “therapy.”
Hooray! I can get myself off now. Enjoy the video.
Find more guest blog posts from our MLNPstars here.