Written by MLNP.tv CEO and Co-founder, Cindy Gallop, for Elle. Originally published January 15th, 2014.
“MakeLoveNotPorn was an accident: I didn’t consciously set out to do what my team and I are now doing. But it’s literally the startup the world was begging for. I’m also equipped to make it work: I’ve spent 30 years working in the business of communication, and I know that everything great in business (and life) is a product of great communication. And sex is no different! Here, my top three rules to getting what you want while getting down:
1. Talk during sex.
Let’s face it: We all get vulnerable when we get naked. Sexual egos are fragile, which is why we can find it bizarrely difficult to talk about sex with the people we’re actually having it with. We worry that if we say anything at all about what’s going on, or comment on the action in any way whatsoever, that we might put our partner off, hurt their feelings, derail the encounter—even derail the whole relationship.
At the same time, we want to please our partner, and we want to be “good in bed.” This is where porn tropes too often come into play. Because in the absence of communication, we often latch on to cues about how to give someone a good time from anywhere we can. Not the greatest idea, really.
Every sexual partner you will ever have is different; what your last partner loved may not be what turns the next partner on; and part of the fun of sex is mutual exploration. Obviously, at a baseline level, talking during sex is about consent: making sure everyone is comfortable and happy with everything that’s going on. But talking during sex is also reassuring: it’s how you know that everyone is enjoying themselves. Plus, talking during sex is fun! This is when you share intimacies, find things out about each other, or simply have a laugh. And why not? Let’s face it: Sex is often (enjoyably) awkward, ridiculous, and screamingly funny. ”
Read the rest of Cindy’s advice on how to talk dirty when you get down, as well as watch the TED talk that started it all, here.