Pro-sex. Pro-porn. Pro-knowing the difference.

“I believe sex education should have a bolder approach in order to ‘compete’ with porn.”

Cindy recently received this wonderful email in her inbox  from a young woman in Argentina and we thought that it was so insightful and wonderful, we absolutely had to share it with you. We love hearing from you!

Dear Cindy,
I found out about your project through your Ted talks, which I accessed looking for all sorts of outlooks on pornography.First off, I would like to say that what you’re doing is exactly the voice I was looking for. I did listen to some feminist anti-porn lectures which made interesting points but I couldn’t agree entirely. Firstly, because I’m pro-porn and have been ever since I started watching it. Secondly, I believe censorship is the best publicity something needs and that it would therefore promote porn further in less ‘open’ and ‘transparent’ ways. Forgive my struggle with the language (I’m Argentinian).I consider myself really lucky because I had access to porn (and to pretty much everything – namely sex, alcohol, love, etc) quite late. I started watching porn after I had had some sexual experiences and after I had been masturbating for several years. I masturbate since I was quite young, can’t remember exactly when I began but I progressed slowly. First it was only my mind, then I added my fingers, then I added the men, then I started having real sex with them and then I started watching porn. And to this day I find all variables exciting and have never discarded anything. Everything that came my way has been enriching. Luckily I haven’t had any traumatizing sexual experiences so I cherish everything I’ve been through as an opportunity to learn.

The reason being a ‘late bloomer’ means being lucky is because I never felt I was pressured into something I wasn’t ready for. Hell I almost had to beg my first guy to finally take the first step. Anyway the point is that porn didn’t impact my sexuality in a defining way. I was mature enough to know that what I was seeing came nowhere near to what I was experiencing but, on the other hand, could turn me on and give me a couple of ideas. So I’ve always loved and defended porn and found arguments against it silly.

Porn is for me a never-ending source of fantasy material. But, again, I was lucky it didn’t shape my sexuality. I don’t know and can’t tell for sure what would have happened had I accessed porn at the same age I began masturbating.

I teach sixth form at the school I attended as a kid and last year there was an incident with some kids watching porn on the bus from sports back to school and I remember being terrified for them because I seriously believed that if they watched only five minutes of the porn I access regularly their innocence would be spoiled completely to the point of no return.

But what really got me into wanting to learn about the effects of pornography when it becomes the leading factor in shaping people’s sexuality was this guy I ‘dated’ some months ago. I had broken up recently but was feeling no longer so vulnerable so as to finally have sex with another guy. This guy I knew for many years but we’d recently bonded over our shared taste for masturbation and porn-watching. It’s not that it was unusual or anything but it was refreshing to talk openly about that with a man. At some point the sexual tension was unbearable and we met to have sex. No drinks, no disguise, he picked me up and we went to a motel. I had built up expectations because this guy seemed to be into hardcore porn like I was and because we seemingly shared tastes because of what we’d discussed so far. It was textbook porn. It’s funny because porn can be quite repetitive at times. And this was it. The guy had no clue as to how the female anatomy worked and expected me to come five minutes after our clothes had come off. I let out a laugh. I also let out a laugh when he expected me to fuck without a condom. I laughed harder when he expected me to blow him after removing said condom. Because latex tastes great! But what’s even funnier is that at the only moment he was really, really hard was when I was washing his member in order to be able to blow him. It wasn’t even sexy or intimate as it used to be with my ex boyfriend. It was just a means to an end. The guy failed to express any kind of emotion (and I don’t mean love or tenderness, I mean horniness). He simply uttered words and didn’t even breathe harder.

Immediately after that experience, I hooked up with what you would call a really, really nice guy and decided I was made for those, that I could take it easy on depravity and that it’s always better when the person is nice and respectful than when they share your sexual taste. Because, really, there’s no such thing as completely individual sexual taste. I won’t enjoy the same act with a man if he doesn’t go for it and I may enjoy things I’d never expected to enjoy. Going home from this ‘failed’ sexual encounter I remembered a time when that guy had told me that even on days in which he had mind-blowing sex, he still needed to jerk off to porn afterwards – no matter how much or how good the sex had been. All of this got me thinking that maybe porn wasn’t so good.

I read and listened to a few lectures about the subject and really I believe I still have no idea about it and am still very confused because I haven’t even had time to process all the information I’ve accessed, but I do believe your approach was the one I’m more interested in. I know I’m not the norm, especially because men access porn much earlier than women in general, in our country at least. But I thought that if I could watch porn and still have intimate sex and still enjoy it and still feel good about it without it being spoiled by porn then anybody could.

I believe sex education should have a bolder approach in order to ‘compete’ with porn. I use inverted commas because I don’t think education and porn should try in any way to be similar because their aims are different. But educators, psychologists, sociologists should make sure that people know about it. Porn shouldn’t (and by god it just couldn’t) cease to exist and I’m happy about that. But we should be ready. Because it’s an industry and our well-being or our health is not in their best interest if it does not mean bigger profits. And this is why I praise your initiative and have passed it along. It’s a way of adding to the discussion. Yes, there’s porn, and there will always be, and it’s far more readily available than it’s ever been, but that doesn’t legitimate it as real sex just because there aren’t any stronger voices around to speak out.

I also like your project because it is inclusive of both female and male voices, whereas lots of the talk I’ve heard about porn refers only to men, stating that women are ‘victims’ of the effects porn has on them (the men). I find that a bit insulting because it leaves us out of the conversation entirely. And what’s funny is that most of this talk is carried out by feminists. Women do watch porn and not necessarily the ‘female-friendly’ category. What does worry me is how tastes seem to be escalating in that damage to people’s bodies is a turn on. I’m not against bondage or any of that, it can be quite a turn on as long as it’s consensual, but it does worry me that ‘ravaging’ people’s bodies is a thing beyond the typical dirty talk that can go on. I would really like to know your thoughts on that.

I’m sorry my email is so long but I just felt inspired after reading your book and listening to your talks and delighted that there’s someone out there I can relate to and is actively doing something about it. I really like the approach that sex is between two people and whatever they like to do together and agree on is fine if it works for them. I do believe that if porn weren’t so appealing and exciting it would actually be quite boring because it is far less original than what can happen with two creative people in the bedroom.

Thanks very much

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS