At MLNP we like to reinforce that sex isn’t always– okay, is never– the perfectly choreographed dance-out-of-your-clothes-while-falling-onto-the-bed-still-making-out routine that it is in rom-coms. Bodies are weird and sometimes do unexpected things, and we like to remind everyone that these occurrences are totally normal and a part of being a human. While sex can be amazing and orgasmic and mind blowing, it can also be funny, awkward, messy and weird noises can happen. We loved this piece from Bustle because it opened dialogue about the weird shit that can happen and how that’s perfectly normal. We’ve reposted some of our favorites.
Originally written by Gabrielle Moss for Bustle. Published on December 4th, 2014.
If you spent all of your teen years imagining sex as a passionate, transcendent melding of two souls (one of whom happened to be Robert Pattinson), you may have been shocked when you finally did the deed and found out that sex is gross. Oh, actually, wait, let me amend that: sex is really gross. Sure, it can still be a beautiful transcendent melding of two souls — but the kind of transcendent melding that incorporates stray bodily fluids, strange noises, and the occasional wayward butt crack hair. Also, it almost never involves Robert Pattinson. Why did everyone lie to you?!
Though most of us are embarrassed when our sex lives get gross, gross sex is actually the rule, not the exception. In fact, it turns out that sex is so inherently gross, we’re hardwired to cope with it: A 2012 study in the scientific journal PLOS ONE found that sexually aroused women had a higher disgust threshold and were better at tolerating gross things (like, um, apparently drinking out of a cup that had a plastic bug inside it) than the unaroused women also studied.
Tossing aside the fact that drinking from a cup with a plastic bug inside it is definitely someone’s fetish, that means a certain degree of grossness during sex is more than natural. You’re simply taking part in the circle of gross life! So in the spirit of sexual grossiosity, we’ve collected 21 of the grossest things than can happen during the course of a totally regular sexual encounter. Queef on, you crazy diamond.
FINDING A TAMPON THAT YOU’VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT
As weird as you may feel about it, forgetting a tampon and then having sex is a very common problem. Not that you should make a habit of it, but if it happens — you are now part of the Sisterhood of the Forgotten Tampon. We meet twice a month in the back of the CVS. Remember to bring some snacks to share!
Maybe you got too excited and started performing oral sex a bit frenziedly. Maybe your partner pushed your head down too far, because they have watched way, way, waaaay too many porn movies. How you got there isn’t important: What’s important is that your life is now flashing before your eyes as you choke on a genital.
Ah, the classic queef. Air goes into a vagina during penetrative vaginal sex, air gets displaced, and sometimes, it makes a toot-like noise. It’s totally normal, it’s completely healthy, and it’s not a fart it’s not a fart it’s not a fart IT’S NOT A FART!
Ugh, okay, sometimes it’s an actual fart. It’s not your fault! You didn’t want to have lentils for dinner, but no one ever listens to you!! Maybe if it doesn’t smell too weird, you can just pretend that it was a queef?
CROTCH STUBBLE BURNING YOUR PARTNER’S FACE
Even if you’re into shaving your pubes, you’re not going to do it every day; and thus, on occasion, you’re going to find that you’ve basically given someone windburn while they were going down on you.
FINDING T.P. STUCK TO YOUR PRECIOUS LADY FLOWER
No matter how fastidious you are, sometimes, you go on a date to a restaurant that uses that really cheap, crumbly toilet paper. You usually don’t realize that you’ve brought a piece of the restaurant home with you until it is much, much too late.
ENCOUNTERING UNUSUALLY THICK SEXUAL FLUIDS
Semen thickness can vary due to factors like diet and frequency of orgasm; which is how one can sign on for a regular blowjob… and then end up with a mouthful of semen the texture and consistency of phlegm.
Once, when I was getting over a cold, I had a strong cough, but managed to find someone who still wanted to make out with me. I was already many minutes into full-on bangin’, when I felt a cough coming on. I thought I could just cough a little without the guy noticing, and go on my merry way. But he did notice — because apparently, my cough tensed my vaginal muscles extremely hard, squeezing this dude’s penis and putting him into excruciating pain. My vagina actually bruised his dick.
And the moral of the story is: Make sure to take vitamins and wash your hands during cold season, folks!
Head over to Bustle to check out the rest of their hilarious and totally spot on list! Want to share your own #realworldsex video or story? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org!