It’s often easier to just have sex than to talk about it. But, if you’re not talking about what turns you on and gets you off with your partner(s) this can lead to a whole boatload of miscommunication and maybe even doing things in bed that neither of you actually likes but think the other enjoys. Screw that.
While we originally envisaged this post as an accompaniment to our more #realworldkinkysex videos and a forthcoming BDSM 101 entry, we realized that (duh!) a yes, no, maybe list is an amazing communication tool regardless of what kind of sex you dig. And so, we encourage everyone to have some fun and play around with this super inexpensive, creative way of getting to know yourself and your lovers. – xo Madam Curator
A yes, no, maybe list is a wonderful and straightforward sexual communication tool that will help you to get to better know you and your partner’s wants and desires. It’s pretty easy! You take a look at a list like this one from Scarleteen, grab a piece of paper and then put the activities on the list in the category (yes, no, maybe) that they fall under for you.
So, in the ‘yes’ column you might have ‘handcuffs, strap ons, vibrators’, the ‘maybe’ might have ‘swallowing, hair pulling and threesomes’ (with the specification that you want to do the hair pulling not have your hair pulled, while the ‘no’ column might contain ‘nipple clamps or sex in public’. The ‘no’ column also gives you room to talk about why that particular activity might be there! For example, sex in public might mean no sex anywhere outside of the bedroom, but it might also mean “Well, maybe on a secluded beach like Efi & Walter did in their last video.” Talk about it!
We recommend filling them out in your own space, and then meeting up to discuss it with your partner(s). If you have different answers then your partner, it’s not the end of the world AT ALL! It just gives you more opportunities to talk about different expectations, fantasies, and hard limits. After you’re done talking about all of the #realworldsex you might have, you’ll barely be able to keep your hands off of one another. Unless something like rope bondage is on the menu, then good luck with the hands.
As we already mentioned, Scarleteen has a really incredible sexual inventory yes/no/maybe list that covers everything from body boundaries to safer-sex behaviours. Babeland has a pretty great one in their book, Moregasm if you want a hard copy and we also recommend this post from Charlie Glickman and this post from Ignacio Rivera for further reading/exploring. You can find a kinkier ‘yes, no, maybe’ list here.
What other tools would you recommend for folks looking to deepen their sexual communication with their partners? Let us know in the comments!