Written by MLNPstars couplenextdoor.
When my husband texted me at work and it read, “They liked our video.”
“What video?” I thought to myself. It took a few seconds before I realized what he was talking about. Then it occurred to me…
“I’m in a sex video on the internet.”
There was a subtle wave of nervous anxiety working its way up the back of my neck. A sensation that I usually get when I’ve forgotten something important or been taken off guard, but with it there was also this awkward sense of uncertain excitement. The thought that my private and intimate world, a part of my life never spoken about and shared with only one other, my husband, my lover, now exposed made my heart race. I visualized the door to my bedroom wide open and a lineup of strangers beginning to form down the hallway.
We finally agreed to take the plunge a few months ago and at the time I don’t remember there being one reason in particular that convinced me we should do it among the several that would suggest it might be a bad idea.
I was more at ease after watching some of the submissions and realized that MLNP was this organic, grassroots-like venue for everyday people to openly express their love and sexuality in a non-judgemental environment.What finally motivated me was knowing that in some small way I have an opportunity to be a catalyst of cultural change, to contribute to a movement in defiance of the patriarchal standards and misogynistic mindset of commercial porn. Don’t get me started on what I think of porn! But this does seem a rather extreme form of protest.
Being compensated by the community and not the website directly was an interesting and novel idea as well as and a good way of measuring acceptance and interest.
My one reservation was being recognized.
The process of discussing and sharing our thoughts with each other developed into a sexual candor and openness that was both illuminating and naughty. This little secret became our inclusive project, a mutual collaboration that reconstituted our awareness of each other and with it a renewed sense of desire. There was a different quality to our “sexy time.” We started reserving more time for ourselves, mindfully preparing for our encounters that might include some clothing or accessories to enhance the ambience. Brief showers turned into leisurely soaks in the tub, sometimes followed by a relaxing erotic massage, spontaneously beautiful interludes that transformed an otherwise normal, ordinary day into an eventful experience.
At some point in my life I started to accept that life doesn’t stand still. Everything is subject to change and uncertainty has had more of an influence on my life than I can account for. Just when things looked like they were falling into place, when I started feeling comfortable and secure something unforeseen would come along and change everything. I used to believe that true happiness comes from pursuing comfort and being secure, and that change was something to avoid. Now my instincts tell me this isn’t true.
I’ve always been comfortable and secure as a woman in a sexual sense. I’ve enjoyed a fulfilling sex life with no regrets or insatiable itch needing to be scratched (other than Dwayne Johnson). I see myself as a modest woman with firm moral boundaries, raised on the principle that a reserved and discreet woman will command more respect in both social and professional circles. But unfortunately my discretion had evolved into unnatural restraint and secrecy. Forced by cultural and socioeconomic pressures we conceal our natural desires to protect our true self from being judged or exploited by others. We believe it will be easier to maneuver in the world with a disguise.
If you could read my mind you’d see that I’m just like most other women, young at heart and with a healthy and active sexual imagination. But in all seriousness, the idea of having my sexual exploits recorded on video and then seeing it posted on the web would have been my worst nightmare imaginable.
My common sense tells me that I have nothing to be ashamed of.
What is it about being exposed and naked that is so terrifying?
Why should I be afraid of others seeing what I really am?
Is it because I’m a woman that I fear I’ll be misjudged?
Maybe it’s from my unconscious perception of what others think of me…
In an instant I’m untethered from my familiar world.
This mysterious ambivalence, this unfamiliar but exhilarating sense that I’m engaged in something on the margins of right and wrong, of danger and liberation.
At this moment I am wide awake, shaken from my slumbering existence.
My mind releases its grip on who I am…….permitting a glimpse of what I might be.
Anticipation mingled with uncertainty……..
All of this passes in a brief moment.
And then I reply, “I’m nervous.”