Pro-sex. Pro-porn. Pro-knowing the difference.

“Your site has provided the push that we both needed to have a healthy discussion around the subject of porn’s influence on our relationship”

At MLNP, we absolutely love hearing from our members and sometimes we have such great email conversations that we just have to share it with you! Cindy recently had this exchange with users FunwithJ&N and we thought you might find it as inspiring as we did.


J&N started the conversation by emailing:

Hello,

I watched your ted talk and totally agree. I’m a happily married man (15 years) who grew up at from the beginning of the internet porn explosion. I’ve watched porn my entire life. When I checked out your site, I found myself wishing there was a place where people could ask questions and get real accurate answers. Perhaps anonymously. Perhaps a FAQ section where common sexual confusion questions come up.Anyhow, I thought it made sense and might be a cool feature for your sites in the future. 

The question I was wondering about in case your curious is, when my wife and I watch porn together, I get very anxious and jealous. I worry that I’m not adequate and that she might prefer the other men to me. I don’t enjoy the sex because I’m too busy worrying if she wishes I was somebody else.

So, when we rarely watch movies together, we usually watch girl on girl movies. This makes me feel guilty and embarrassed because of the double-standard I create. I recognize that I’m unfair, but I don’t know how to cope with my own fears of inadequacy… I don’t want to feel this way, I realize that it’s unfounded, and yet I still am deeply afraid. 

So anyway, I guess my question would be around how couples could cope with jealousy and trust issues around sex and seeing other people having sex so that they could approach it in a healthy and natural way instead of from a place of fear?

I wonder if other couples have similar questions that they are too embarrassed to ask or discuss so that is why I thought to email you.

Thanks for creating your site, and I hope that it (re) educates many about sex and helps to promote healthy enjoyment of sex.

FunWithJ&N

Oh and on the makelovenotporn.com site it would be good to add some stuff for men. Possibly  a slide about men’s penis length and how it relates to reality as well as pleasuring a partner.

Ex: I have an above average length, and yet, probably due to years porn feel like inadequate. Perhaps in a similar way as some women feel about their breast size.


Cindy replied:

FunwithJ&N – thank you so much for writing to us and for your kind words.

First of all, I should say that we do very much hope at some point to be able to deliver on both your asks – to expand the dot com site to encompass many more ‘Porn World vs Real World’ myths vs reality, and to be able to further down the line to include an interactive community forum.

Unfortunately, right now we are tiny, bootstrapping, and fighting a battle to build our business every day:

http://www.fastcompany.com/3029634/bottom-line/the-difficulties-of-running-a-sex-inspired-startup

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/05/29/silicon-valley-s-soft-sex-ban.html

http://techcrunch.com/2015/04/04/porn-sex-tech-and-cindy-gallop/

but rest assured your input is logged.

Secondly, to your question, I would actually suggest that you and your wife try watching our #realworldsex videos together. Because porn is fantasy, and porn stars are cast for specific physical attributes, people can feel irrationally jealous because it feels more aspirational, even though their jealousy is completely unfounded and unnecessary.

We celebrate real world everything – real world bodies, real world hair, real world penis size, real world breast size, but above all, real world love, real world intimacy, real world feelings and real world hotness.

Our MadamCurator Sarah Beall wrote this great piece on why watching #realworldsex videos is good for your relationship and you can get to know our real world MakeLoveNotPornstars via the free peek intro videos – we post SFW ones on our YouTube channel and in the section of our blog where they guest post.

Why not give it a try?

All the best,

Cindy


FunwithJ&N then said:

Hi Cindy, 

Wow, we didn’t expect that you would actually respond to us personally. That’s really cool. Thanks. Thanks for the link to the Beall article. It is excellent and really helpful.

After talking it over, my wife and I definitely plan to join your site.

You said my thoughts exactly around irrational jealousy sourced from aspiration. It felt as if I had to compete against/aspire to be like the porn star characters in the movies. After speaking with my wife, she told me that she felt the same way as I did. When watching the shows, we both were miserably uncomfortable, but each hoping that it was turning the other one on and so both of us were only pretending. So, instead of adding a little excitement to our bedroom like we hoped, it had actually had the opposite effect.

 It really seems like communication and honesty and a willingness to be vulnerable and trust each other with our feelings is the most important thing to our sex-life. After talking about it these things honestly together for several hours, I think that porn will be less of a concern in our relationship going forward and more of a fun addition and supplement to our sex life. So then after we talked we watched some movies together, but this time, instead of seeming like a threat or competition, they were fun entertainment, just as they should be. We then made love and had the best sex we have had together since we newlyweds.

I’m sure that is way more info than you care for, but the reason I mention it is that your site has provided the push that we both needed to have a healthy discussion around the subject of porn’s influence on our relationship. Together we are taking something that used to be a source of guilt and shame, and instead wanting to turn it into a positive tool for our relationship. So I’m really thankful for that.

As to the bullshit of business: 

Your mission forces us to examine the truth that when it comes to sex, our society is severely ill, misinformed and afraid. It always has been, but the advent of internet porn has both compounded and illuminated the situation. The bottom-line is that we don’t like to admit that we are fucked up and so we will fight and blame you every step of the way until denial is simply no longer possible, that’s nothing new, as individuals we are pretty awesome but put us in crowds we are complete morons. I’ve never done anything important, but I imagine that it has been the same battle for all innovators such as yourself. Add on top of that the fact that your subject isn’t just embarrassing but also taboo and, sheesh. You know I saw a show about water purification that blew my mind, we fought against public water chlorination for decades before it was finally accepted. Now it’s just normal. In a way I think your efforts around sex education are as relevant now as access to clean water in the past. I shiver when I wonder if sex crimes may be linked in some way to our society’s problem’s around sexual objectification and shame.

I know that you already know all this but I figure maybe it’s nice to know that you have cheerleaders like me and my wife out there clapping for you. So please keep your chin up and don’t let it get you down. You’re fighting the good fight. And an important fight.

Oh yeah, I laughed when I read the bit about how you will start your own bank to secure funding. That is AWESOME! And totally kick-ass.

Cheers,

J&N


Cindy:

J&N – I’m so very pleased to hear all of that! 

And by the way, there’s no such thing as TMI for Team MakeLoveNotPorn 🙂

We so appreciate your support!

Could I ask a favor? Would it be OK to publish your email completely anonymously as a guest post on the #realworldinbox section of our blog, where we post some of the emails our wonderful community send to us? We think other readers would find your experience and your words very helpful and inspiring.


And here we are! We absolutely adore hearing from you about how MLNP has affected you– it always totally makes our days. You can email us anytime at feedback@mlnp.tv or curators@mlnp.tv! Read more amazing emails that we’ve received in the #realworldInBox section of our blog!

 

 

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